Mixed Emotions

On December 18, 1989 - 21 years ago yesterday - the most amazing person entered my life, my son. I have been blessed to watch him grow into an amazing man and wonderful person. I am so very proud of him and love him with my entire being. I have written before that when I was pregnant a friend told me I would not just love my son, I would fall in love with my son. I never imagined that those words could be so true.

And ...... while I'm so happy so see my son reach this milestone in his life ...... while I'm so very proud of the man he has become ...... while I'm so proud of the person he has become ......

I so very much miss that little boy ...... that little boy who thought Mom could do no wrong ...... that little boy who thought Mom was the greatest person in the world ...... that little boy who thought Mom was so intelligent and knew everything ...... that little boy who told me he loved me "beyond infinity."

Growing up is a process in life - if we're lucky, growing up is inevitable. Yesterday on his 21st birthday I just kept going over and over in my head some of those milestones in his life we have reached together ......

that first day of play school when he turned around, waved, and said "see ya later, Mom" ......

that first day of kindergarten when he walked right up to his teacher, shook her hand, and introduced himself ......

that first year he really understood the concept of Santa Claus and woke at 4am - when I tried to get him to go back to sleep because you didn't get up until the sun was up, he said it was time to get up because the son was up ......

that trip to Disney World when he was 9 years old - we were there 3 days before his Dad arrived; his Dad told him to "take care of your Mom until I get there;" when his Dad arrived, he said "I'm glad you're here Dad because Mom's a lot of work" ......

that first college campus we toured together, and all I could see in my mind's eye was that little boy's hand I held walking in for that first day of kindergarten ......

that first time his heart was broken by a breakup with a girlfriend ......

that day he played the National Anthem on his trumpet while standing on home plate for the Tidewater Tides - a friend and her husband attended the game just to see him, and I think they each cried as hard with pride as I did ......

that first time he soloed after getting his driver's license ......

that day he graduated from high school ......

that first day he was considered a college student ......

that first form he filled out where he had to indicate his sex and he wrote "No" - when I asked him why he put "no" he said "because I don't do sex, Mom" ......

that first swim meet when he was 4 years old and I just knew he was never going to make the full length of that pool - when he finished his race, he came running over to me with the biggest grin his little face could muster ......

that first time he splashed water all over his body while standing on the swimmer's block because that's what "the big swimmer's do" ......

Friends tell me my job isn't done yet. I hope they're right. I remember entering this role of motherhood very reluctantly ...... very unsure ...... with very mixed emotions.

Now ...... I don't want to give it up.