I Wish I Had An Answer

What to do - what to do - what to do.  I wish I knew.  

There's a small homeowner's problem going on this weekend, and it has me quite unnerved. More than quite unnerved - very unnerved.  It's nothing that can't be repaired - it's nothing catastrophic - it's nothing overly damaging.  It's just unnerving.  We think we found out tonight the cause of the problem.  I haven't asked how difficult it will be to repair - sort of not ready to handle that mental aspect.  I'll most likely get the answer to that question tomorrow - hopefully.  If I don't, I have a feeling it won't be pleasant around here.  You take care of your own problems before you traipse off to take care of others problems.  What is so difficult about that concept to understand?

It's not the homeowner's problem that I can't seem to figure out.  It's the fact that these homeowner problems open up a huge "can of worms" in my life.  I don't understand why people can't take care of what they're given.  When they're given something free of charge, why can't they realize how fate really stepped in and made their life easier?  What does it mean when they imply -- make it mine, and I'll make it more of a priority?  If you don't show that it's a priority without it being yours, why would I think things would be different if its made yours?  

What do you do when you know how you want things to be handled when you're gone, but you know it will cause a great deal of heartache to those you love?  What do you do when you want to be fair, but you want specifics that really aren't fair?  Part of my being says - why the hell do I care about their heartache?  I won't be around.  Part of my being says - why the hell do I care if it's not fair?  I won't be around.  The other part of my being does care about the heartache my decisions can cause.  The other part of my being does care about someone I love not being treated fairly.

I had lunch today with a very good friend and vocalized all this frustration.  Putting it out there really didn't help with the level of frustration - putting it out there really didn't help with an answer - it did help to know that others agree with my way of thinking, though.  That assures me I'm not totally selfish and not totally "out of touch with reality." Why not just leave it all alone - deal with the here and now - let them deal with everything after.  I won't be around! 

What to do - what to do - what to do.  I wish I knew.